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Diamonds may be a Girl’s Best Friend, but Spandex is a Woman’s

By August 29, 2022April 26th, 2024No Comments

The time had come—the dreaded pants shopping. I took a deep breath, pulled the door open and braced myself. How many pairs of women’s pants could a store hold? Hundreds? Thousands? I wasn’t going to count. I’d get a headache.

I headed down a main aisle, but it wasn’t long before the red clearance signs, screaming 70% off, captured my attention.

What? A dishtowel for $1.27. Of course I need another dishtowel! And with pineapples on it!

Put the dishtowel down, Joy.



I again trudged. My trudging took me by the Juniors Department, a.k.a. clothing for skinny young females with basal metabolism rates faster than a Mach 10 Darkstar. (I LOVED Top Gun Maverick!)

I was a ‘junior’ once—long, long ago in a land far away. Back then I could eat giant hamburgers with French fries and a chocolate shake and still zip up my jeans without suffocation. Back then I scorned stretchy polyester pants with elastic waistbands. (Those were for little old ladies.) Back then I dreamed all the dreams common to skinny young females of the 1980s—getting a car, getting a career, following my dreams, maybe even getting a diamond…

The phrase diamonds are a girl’s best friend comes from a song of the same name, written by lyricist Leo Robin in 1949 for the musical Gentleman Prefer Blondes. I did get a diamond in 1985 from a soft-spoken gentleman who I’ve been married to for 37 years. Happily, he was okay with a brunette.

But back to my quest for pants…

I breezed past the Junior Department, secretly thanking the Lord that I didn’t have to wear those pants. I would look ridiculous. I would have to gasp for air. I would faint from hypoxia. Someone would have to call an ambulance.

I finally crossed over into Women’s Pants. I was a bit stupefied—black, brown, beige, tan, olive, maroon, gray, khaki, denim, mid-rise, high-rise, low-rise, relaxed, skinny, boot cut, straight leg, wide leg, flared, bell bottoms (they’re back!) But how would I ever pick? I took my best guess.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. This was hopeless.

What now?

I surveyed the endless landscape one more time. I really needed to buy some new pants. Some of my pants pre-date smart phones.

There was, however, one section I’d been avoiding, reasoning I wouldn’t find pants there. I’m definitely not…

Hmmm, those are 30% off and I’ve got a coupon. Maybe I should…

Get going!  You’re not getting any younger or any skinnier.

Sometimes, it’s dumb to argue with yourself. The store was also closing in forty-three minutes. I swallowed my pride and headed off to, yep, the little old lady section. I prayed no one I knew would see me.

Hmmm, these aren’t too bad. Oh, this fabric is soft.  Ooooh, this one’s stretchy- 5% spandex and COMFORTABLE !  I could wear this with my green shirt…Off I went to the dressing room.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope…

What? These fit? And these fit too! And they actually look nice, and I can breathe! Two yeses!

I strolled to the check-out, pulled out my 20% off code, and whipped out my smart phone birthday coupon. Savings and success in one fell swoop. I would’ve jumped for joy, but I didn’t want to hurt my knee.

In a few days, I will reach a new decade. At that point, according to ‘the experts’, I will have ‘crystallized wisdom.’ I’m not sure what that means, if it’s even true, or if it’s just a nice way of saying ‘you’re old.’ Truth be told, I don’t mind too much. The Lord has granted me many of the dreams I had as a (somewhat) skinny young female. I’m so thankful.

But I dream differently now. My priorities have changed. They have stretched. I have stretched, and ‘I have learned in whatever situation (or pants) I am to be content.’ Philippians 4:11b

Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but spandex is a woman’s.

Stay tuned for more ‘crystalized wisdom.’

Until next time.




Author Joy Cleveland writes Small Town Contemporary Christian Romances that will warm your heart, feed your soul, and quite possibly tickle 'your funny bone.' A product of small town living, Joy strives to craft characters that feel like family and places that feel like home. Currently, she calls Iowa home. When she's not tapping computer keys, she's playing with grandkids, mowing grass, or chasing her dog. A lover of words, she's published short stories, plays for children, and quirky newsletters. "To Call My Own' is her first novel.

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